This blog has been a fairly important part of HK life for me. Above is the 'word cloud' of the blog. Some alarming regulars in there...
But
on it’s birthday, I’ve decided to put the blog into semi-retirement soon.
I don’t
want it to get too narrative driven (“today I did blah, it was nice”), and now
we’ve seen the whole year’s cycle I might start repeating myself. I have a
couple of things I want to blog about up my sleeve, and will write about my dad’s
March visit…but then posts will be rare and limited only to truly interesting stuff.
And so, in a horrible display of self-indulgence, I thought
the year milestone and imminent retirement merited a blog…about the blog.
So below (with hyperlinks if you want to see the full
thing!) are snippets of the blogs that are mine and Claire’s favourites or the
most viewed this year...
02.3.13
– business. But no class.
I kicked off expat life by being a bit star struck in the Virgin business lounge. One of the top 3 read.
I kicked off expat life by being a bit star struck in the Virgin business lounge. One of the top 3 read.
“Most occupants looked bored or
nonchalant, as if this were totally normal. I make no judgements – for many of
them I’m sure it’s a humdrum means to an end. I’d love to say we played it
equally cool…alas, we sampled every service with childish glee, rushing about
in fits of giggles. I had this nagging feeling someone would shortly collar me,
crying, “You are an imposter, sir! Nobody comports themselves thus in business
class, particularly not in a…football shirt!”
In this photo, I find myself swinging
in a wicker seat suspended from the ceiling supping my third glass of
bottomless champagne, trying not to wallop the businessman behind me toiling at
his laptop…”
04.3.13
– Hong Kong housewife.
A comedic low for me as genuine kept man. Most viewed blog – driven by google searches. Shudder.
A comedic low for me as genuine kept man. Most viewed blog – driven by google searches. Shudder.
“Claire and I went to the main HSBC
building…to set up our HK bank account. The forms to sign up for anything are
comprehensive here…
The worst was the section on
employment. In HK, there is almost 100% employment for those who wish or are
able to work. ‘Unemployment’ is not something people here comprehend…Here, you
work; you are retired; or you choose to be a home maker. And that is clearly
not considered a man’s role by HK Chinese.
Hence, today, I had no choice but to
circle the box for occupation as ‘Housewife’.”
06.3.13
– IDiot abroad
One of a few blogs I did in the style of a play, when we went to get ID cards.Top 5 finisher on reads.
One of a few blogs I did in the style of a play, when we went to get ID cards.Top 5 finisher on reads.
“Official: OK, now put your thumb
on the reader.
PT: Where?
Here? OK
PT places thumb on scanner. Askew.
Official: Straighter.
Lift up. Down. Down again...Up...Down...Left. Not that far!
Official sighs, putting on a black
glove. She reaches through the Perspex, physically placing PT’s thumb.
PT: Oh,
ah, gosh, sorry, haha!
Awkward silence. PT is manhandled.
Official: Sit
on that chair. Look at red dot. Not camera, red dot…red dot.
PT: [desperately] I
am looking at it!
PT looks
confuesdly at the official. The camera goes off. PT’s face freezes. The
official looks unimpressed.
Official: Red. Dot. Please. Sir.
PT: Sorry.
The photo takes. The results flashes
up. PT looks like a simpleton.”
08.6.13
– Patrick speaks Cantonese – a play in 400 words
My favourite post. Relays conversation I had on a tiny non-English speaking island in a resto-cum-shed.
My favourite post. Relays conversation I had on a tiny non-English speaking island in a resto-cum-shed.
ME: Er…I speak a little
Cantonese…er…I am English person
WOMAN: Ooooh, blahdiblahdiblah
English blahdiblah, waaaah!
WOMAN: [suddenly inexplicably
animated, she spots my iPhone and points at it and then into the nearby
undergrowth repeatedly] blahdiblahdiblahdiblaaaaaah!
ME: [having not caught even
one word, I am stuffed] Erm…er…I…
MAN: [follows his wife’s
example, pointing and very excited] Blahdiblahdiblahdiblah cow
blahdiblah!
ME: Cow?
MAN+WOMAN TOGETHER: Cow! [man
pushes the point home by miming horns on his head and snorting]
ME: Er…[looks where they are
pointing. No sign of a cow. Or beef?]…Where cow? Why cow? No cow!
WOMAN: [flapping her arm now
and nodding] There is cow, blahdiblahdiblah [points
at my phone]
ME: [desperate now] Don’t
know, er, understand, er, I…[trying to change the subject I sip my coke] Ah,
is very cold!
WOMAN: Hmph.
14.6.13 – What links
Queen Victoria and spicy fingers?
Second most reads…again, what are people googling out there?!
Second most reads…again, what are people googling out there?!
We guided Jed through the beartraps and into what is
essentially our local – the Queen Vic. It's a British pub but more importantly,
it's the hashing pub. So it's the closest I've had to a Queen Vic experience in
the soaps - every time I've been, I've met several people we know.
…Jed began to tire. So we whisked them off to the night's main event - Spicy Fingers.
This is one of the prime venues for Hong Kong's cover bands…the quality of musicianship is excellent. So good in fact that I often feel a bit embarrassed that they are arguably wasted on the motley crew of sozzled middle aged expats and gyrating younger women (and then us) that surround them [as they play] covers of songs from Erasure to Jessie J.
Sounds embarrassing to read this back...but I promise you it's genuinely a great laugh.
…Jed began to tire. So we whisked them off to the night's main event - Spicy Fingers.
This is one of the prime venues for Hong Kong's cover bands…the quality of musicianship is excellent. So good in fact that I often feel a bit embarrassed that they are arguably wasted on the motley crew of sozzled middle aged expats and gyrating younger women (and then us) that surround them [as they play] covers of songs from Erasure to Jessie J.
Sounds embarrassing to read this back...but I promise you it's genuinely a great laugh.
3.7.13 – Why?!
Claire’s favourite. Paddy rescues a lost local on the darkening trails. Bizzare conversations ensue.
Claire’s favourite. Paddy rescues a lost local on the darkening trails. Bizzare conversations ensue.
Doris has come up to the hills to get
“some outdoor activities”. And is lost. Even though she’s lived within 5km of
that spot all her life. And she has no phone, no torch, no money.
“I very scare of dark. You go this way? You
take me?” Well, who can resist the knight in shining armour routine? She even
rather sickly sweetly said, in deadly seriousness, as I helped her over the
umpteenth puddle – “You’re my hero!”
But! The funniest thing was the
awkward conversation.
Like:
Doris: So, you like live in Hong
Kong?
Me: Oh yes, very much.
Doris [harshly]: You not scare of
thiefs?!
Me: Thieves? Well, no, Hong Kong’s
much safer than London.
Doris [dismissively]: Huh! No, is
wrong, is many thief in Hong Kong.
And…
Doris: So – new English baby! You
happy?! [Prince George had just been born]
Me: Oh yes, everyone in England is
very happy!
Doris [shocked]: But why?!
Me: ….Wh…Why? Well, it’s, you know,
nice…?
Doris: But you pay for them, for
their feeding, for their cloth…is like they are children! So why you happy,
woh?
Me: Er, well, they only cost each
Briton about 6 Hong Kong dollars a year you know. [jokey] Good value, hey?
Doris: Hm. Don’t know.
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